If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
