just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
