All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
