He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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