Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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