as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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