Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
