I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
