mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Are my feet made of real feet?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
