Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
