fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
