Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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