this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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