Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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