I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
