I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize