why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
