i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
