Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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