girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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