I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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