There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
