If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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