best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
