Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
