drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
