I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
