Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
