He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
