I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize