You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
