I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
