my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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