But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
