I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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