I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize