Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
