Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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