i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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