He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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