also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
