I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize