why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
