Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
