bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
