i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize