I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
