Jerry, you need to find god
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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