Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
