Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
