pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
