I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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