A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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