i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
