two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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