just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize