I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
