my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
