Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
